"I Dislike My Husband's Friend"

Dear Ruby, 

My husband is planning to go to a concert tonight with his best friend. 

They bought tickets to the concert in June, which was before my husband and I separated for two months. I totally forgot about it until he mentioned it on Monday. We have since reconciled; I forgive him and he forgives me. My husband is still living with his friend while are going to counseling and trying to put our family back together. 

I have a huge problem with the friend. This is the same friend who helped him load half of the house up while the kids and I were gone, and move it to his house without even telling us that he was going. This is also the same friend who encouraged my husband to quit paying the mortgage and bills here, and to start paying bills at his house. The same friend who made the statement that my daughters (who are not biologically my husband's daughters), are "not his kids anyway." This friend has talked so much crap about me in front of my kids that now my four year old hates him, and refuses to go to his house. 

I cannot bring myself to be even be civil to his friend. He gave my husband a hard time about reconciling for weeks, and made jokes about me at work in front of everyone at their job. This is triggering a lot of negative emotions for me but I haven't said anything to my husband because he already knows how I feel. 

Am I crazy for feeling this way? 

Signed, 

Unfriendly Wife

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Dear Unfriendly Wife, 

No, you're not crazy for feeling the way that you do about your husband's friend. Issues related to the friends of a spouse are not uncommon. I'm sorry that you are going through this, and I am even more sorry that your children are involved. 

It is understandable that you are upset about your husband's friend saying negative things about you in front of your children. However, you cannot blame him for being a friend to your husband at the time of your separation. Everything you mentioned regarding the friend's role in your separation is troublesome, but you have to disassociate your anger about his involvement with your feelings about the separation overall. 

Your husband's friend was simply being a friend. He was providing support during a difficult time, which is something that we all seek from our friends. At the time of separation, it is likely that your husband didn't foresee reconciliation. When couples break up, they often spew hateful information about each other to their closest friends. They vent. Everything people say when they vent isn't necessarily accurate, but in the heat of the moment accuracy probably didn't matter to your husband's friend; he saw that his friend was hurting, and he was supportive in his own way. 

If it makes you feel any better, I have experienced both sides of this situation. I have vented about a partner, exaggerating bad details; and I have also learned that my partner told his friends inaccurate details about me and our relationship. When we are hurting we seek comfort, and in order to evoke their deepest sympathy we tend to exaggerate and tell them only bad things about the other person. 

There are always three sides to every story: What he said; what she said; and the truth! Our supportive friends aren't there to sort through the details; they are there to offer a shoulder to lean on. Our friends are there to help us move out, and to protect our best interests. In this case, it sounds like his friend was telling him not to pay the bills as a friend who wanted to help, not as someone who held a personal grudge against you.

Ultimately, it was your husband's decision to leave the marital home and fail to pay the mortgage. When the dust settled and emotions were calmed, your husband could have considered his obligation to his family, and he failed to make the responsible decision to discuss finances with you.

Without knowing what your original problem was, if you have forgiven your husband, you should take care not to transfer your anger and resentment to his friend. The choices made were your husband's, forgiveness should be an opportunity for you to heal. Therefore, you should also strive to forgive your husband's friend for his indirect role in your unhappiness.  

I'm curious as to why your husband is still living away from home if you are attempting to reconcile? Unless this was suggested by your counselor, it seems that his continued absence, paired with the fact that he is living with someone who aided him in leaving, is causing ongoing tension. If you have both made the decision to work through your problems, it may be time to resume a normal lifestyle as soon as possible. Again, without knowing specific details, I cannot advise you as to whether he should move back home; but if he did return, the added strain of your children having to visit their father at his friend's house could be avoided. 

Your situation is complicated by the fact that your children have heard unflattering things about you from your husband's best friend, someone with whom they probably had a relationship prior to this debacle. Children should not be involved in spats between adults. It might be best that your children do not spend time at your husband's friend's house if they are feeling particularly uncomfortable. You should speak to your husband about this rather than just making a decision without involving him, so that he does not feel that the kids are being alienated. The children should not have to sacrifice time with their father just because his living arrangements are not conducive to their emotional well-being; all the more reason for your husband to return home. 

Once he returns home, I would suggest that your husband's friend keeps his distance for a while. Not necessarily from your husband, but from all of you in a group setting. This time apart will give your children time to readjust to mommy and daddy being together in the home again, and will help heal the wounds left by any negativity they heard.

As you continue the process of reconciliation, keep in mind that your attitude toward your husband's friend is important. You cannot change a person's friends, or demand that they discontinue close friendships. Isolation in a relationship is very unhealthy. Even if you think that the friend is a bad influence, you should never try to change or end a friendship.  How would you feel if your partner tried to alter your friendships? 

It is in your best interest to rebuild a rapport with the friend. When a spouse does not get along with the other party's friends, it results in tension. Your husband may feel that he cannot talk to you about matters involving the friend, subsequently avoiding conversations about potentially important things because he is afraid of your reaction. Communication is essential to any relationship, so anything that hinders it should be resolved immediately.

If you can move past your anger toward your husband's friend, he should be reintroduced to family settings carefully, a little at a time. Your children need to see that you are okay with his presence. Use this opportunity to teach your children the value of forgiveness, and show them what it means to be the bigger person. 

Ultimately, I am hopeful that you will be able to get past this hiccup in your marriage. Even though you think your husband knows how you feel, you should take some time to try to reevaluate your feelings, and then have another conversation. It might help to write your feelings. Be empathetic, and explain your position in a gentle way. Be understanding and patient, your husband may need some time after the conversation to process what you are saying and determine the best course of action with special consideration to his friendship, so do not demand a response right away. Instead, trust him to handle the situation in a way that works, and if it's not suitable after a short time, readdress as needed. 

As far as the concert tonight, relax! You cannot control anyone else's actions, only your own. If you love and trust your husband, you have nothing to worry about. Try to put your mind at ease while they are out. Read a good book, watch one of your favorite movies, or go out with one of your friends! Take your mind off of what they are doing, and instead set your sights on ways to improve your marriage so that you do not have to go through another separation. 

XO

"Alone Does Not Mean Lonely"

Dear Ruby, 

I just cannot get past this feeling of loneliness. Since my ex and I broke up, I bury myself in my work so I don't have to think. Then I go home and text with my friend for a bit...then to bed. This is my life, 24/7. I hate feeling lonely but I just can't seem to shake it. What should I do? 

Thanks, 

Sad & Lonely 

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Dear Sad & Lonely,

Yours is a question that I am often asked. For many people, one of the scariest parts of ending a relationship is the fear of impending loneliness. During a relationship, we become accustomed to our partners' presence, shaping our lives around them with the assumption that they will always be there. When we come to the realization that their presence is not permanent, we get caught up in the fear that there will be a gaping hole left by their absence and we will somehow be engulfed by the void that remains. What will we do with our time? What happens when we come home, and nobody is there to greet us? How will ever feel whole again?

You should remember 2 things:

1. Alone does not have to mean lonely.
2. Happiness is a choice.

Fear of loneliness can paralyze unhappy partners. The absence of familiarity can be so frightening that it stops some people from leaving toxic relationships. Interestingly, there are some who would prefer the presence of an angry, argumentative partner than to walk away and risk being lonely. All of the reasons for ending the relationship, or coming to terms with the reasons for its dissolution, are quickly erased by the illusion of a gaping, inescapable emptiness that will be left behind.

When we think about loneliness, we imagine feelings of despair and longing. Loneliness equates to misery and discomfort, so despite the fact that it's totally avoidable, our first inclination is to avoid it by any means.

In fact, we are often so terrified of being lonely, that we completely overlook the benefits of being alone! The first thing you should do is understand that "alone" is not synonymous with lonely.

Being alone has invaluable benefits. It enables you to take time to heal from the broken relationship as you think about what went wrong, and determine what you really want from a relationship in the future. It also allows you to rediscover who you are since we often change during the course of a relationship. As we focus our time and energy on pleasing someone else, we tend to neglect our own needs and desires. Intentionally enjoying the time spent alone can be therapeutic.

In your case, you are filling your alone time with work. This is a temporary fix; if you continue to overcompensate with work, you will likely get burnt out. If you genuinely enjoy your work, then by all means dedicate more time to it in moderation, but please do not do so just because you are afraid of being lonely.

Here are a few ways that you can take advantage of your alone time, while avoiding the crushing feelings of loneliness:

Communicate with your friends 
Texting your friends after work is great because you are establishing a new routine that includes interactions with someone other than your ex-partner.

However, try not to become too reliant on these interactions. If you become dependent on interactions with other people in your down time, you might start to panic if they are not available to chat.

Find a creative hobbyA great way to unwind after work without breaking the bank is to indulge in creative expression. Visit your local Target, Wal-Mart, or Hobby Lobby and buy a small canvas, a few paintbrushes, and some acrylic paint. Try to create what you are feeling through an original piece of art! You may find that painting in a nearby park or another outdoor location awakens your creativity. Make yourself comfortable with soft music and glass of wine. 

Adult coloring books are another great option for creative expression.

Art is a proven therapeutic technique for reducing stress and anxiety, while increasing focus. Maybe what you are feeling is too difficult to put into words; by finding a creative hobby that you can enjoy after work, you will be avoiding feelings of loneliness while unwinding in a healthy and healing way. 

Start a jigsaw puzzleMuch like artistic hobbies, jigsaw puzzles can provide a wonderful distraction from negative feelings, while increasing focus and memory. In fact, regularly piecing together jigsaw puzzles can decrease high blood pressure and reduce your chances of developing Alzheimer's Disease by 30%. 

Paint an accent wall in your homeYour home is a safe haven and a place of refuge. You should be able to escape the pressures of the world by relaxing in the comfort that lies behind your four walls. If you are going through a stressful event, particularly a breakup, your home may feel like a stifling environment instead of a peaceful one. Make sure that you are surrounded by good vibes; rearrange your furniture or go pick out a paint color that represents freedom, joy, and peace to you, and paint an accent wall in your favorite room. 

Painting is a great bonding activity with friends. In order to clear the air in your home, think about inviting a few people over for a Painting Party! As you enjoy your "new" environment, you will think of the fun you had creating a comfortable atmosphere instead of associating your sanctuary with your ex. 

Get ActiveWhen you exercise, your body releases endorphins that trigger positive feelings in your brain. One of the best ways to avoid feeling lonely, is by engaging in regular physical activity.

Exercise in nature is incredibly beneficial. The fresh air and sunshine while you take a walk or ride a bicycle can significantly reduce depression and anxiety. If outdoor activity is inaccessible, you  can still take advantage of the mental health benefits of exercise by joining a gym. You can even exercise in the comfort of your own home. You may wish to purchase exercise videos, or stream free exercise tutorials on YouTube. A nightly routine of yoga or stretching before bed can improve your sleep and boost your overall mood!

Netflix & Chill: SoloMake use of this time to catch up on some of your favorite television shows or movies! Watching television can be a great way to relax at the end of a long day. A series like Gilmore Girls will provide lighthearted comedy and real-life scenarios that can help you to regain a sense of being in control of your life. 

ReadBooks offer another wonderful way to escape reality while strengthening your vocabulary and exercising your brain. You shouldn't watch television within an hour of going to sleep, so as you settle into bed with a warm cup of tea, pick up a book about love, life, fantasy, self-improvement, or self-empowerment. 

Get Out ThereOne of the most uncomfortable challenges for people to overcome, is spending time in public, alone. However, this is one of my favorite pastimes! 

I learned to overcome my fear of being lonely by forcing myself to go out in public alone. I'd go to the movies, bookstores, coffee shops, and theatrical performances all by myself. At first, it was a bit awkward, so I made sure to bring a book or journal. I stopped feeling subconscious very quickly, and instead of distracting myself with books or my cellphone, I just watched people around me. I watched a lot of couples, and instead of feeling sad, I felt empowered. Sometimes they seemed upset and I reassured myself that being alone wasn't so bad. I used to think that I was being judged, but I quickly realized that nobody was paying me that much attention and it was all in my head. Now, I have no problem walking up to the box office at a movie theater and loudly exclaiming, "Ticket for one, please!"

A friend of mine used to write quotes on sticky notes and place them around her house. The one that stuck with me the most was placed right above her television set; it read, "Be comfortable in the uncomfortable." If you can learn to be comfortable in uncomfortable situations, you can handle any of the unexpected changes that life throws your way.

The changes you are experiencing are unpleasant, but they do not define you. As your life continues to change, you will be happier, healthier, and more content if you learn to adapt instead of feeling overwhelmed and afraid.

Fear of being lonely can be downright dangerous; it can push you into the arms of someone who only serves the purpose of saving you from loneliness. When you learn to enjoy your alone time, you won't need anybody else to fill that emptiness. Being alone is better than being in the company of someone who doesn't value you or see your worth.

Being happy is a choice. You can choose to live in fear of being lonely, but if you succumb to that fear, you will just isolate yourself further and experience more grief and sadness than necessary. If you choose to be happy, you can embrace the idea of being alone without sentencing yourself to unpleasant loneliness.

Try all of the above suggestions, and if you're still stuck feeling lonely, let me know!

XO

"I'm Pregnant...But He Wants Her"

Dear Ruby, 

I need some advice. 

I am 25 weeks pregnant, and my fiance just told me that he met someone else and wants to be with her. He went on a work-related trip to do research for 5 weeks, and met this woman who lives in Turkey. She is in the States doing research for a bit; she is also in a relationship. 

Ever since he came back from his trip, he tells me that he wants her and that he doesn't love me anymore. Initially he said we can't work things out. Now he says that he will try to work on us and put her aside, but I have no idea if that's true. 

I love him, and I can't believe he just wants to throw our history and what we have away for someone he doesn't even know.

Signed,

Sad Mommy to Be.

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Dear (Sad) Mommy to Be,

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

It may not seem like it now, with all of the emotional and physical changes you are going through, but motherhood is one of the most amazing blessings you will ever experience!

I will preface my response by saying that I believe in happiness and peace. There are some who will tell you that you should try to resolve serious issues in relationships, such as infidelity, drug use, etc. However, I believe that you have the right to be happy, and I do not believe that you should be tethered to things that rob you of your happiness or prevent your peace. You deserve to have a joyous pregnancy. For that reason, let's try to get to the bottom of this unfortunate mess.

First, let's address the obvious. You are 25 weeks pregnant; which means that in only 15 weeks or less, you will be giving birth to a little angel. This is a very critical time in your pregnancy. Your baby is developing quickly, and your body needs all of the help it can get to create this miracle. Therefore, you have to take very good care of yourself, despite your emotional state:

1. Make sure that you are eating nutritious food (snack on raw veggies, fruits, and drink a lot of water), and taking a prenatal vitamin daily.
2. Begin a light exercise regimen, like walking, or continue your existing exercise routine with clearance from your physician. Exercise is one of the best ways to maintain your mental health; it can help you battle depression and anxiety, relieves stress, and helps you sleep better at night.
3. During emotionally challenging times, some people tend to lose sleep; you cannot allow this to happen. Do not overthink! Instead spend your time before bed with a good book, a funny movie, a relaxing bath, a cup of Sleepytime tea, or relaxing soundscapes. These calming techniques will help you get a good night's sleep.

Good nutrition and ample sleep are especially important right now because your baby feels everything that you feel. Stress can wreak havoc on the body, so be sure to take deep breaths, and try to distract yourself with pleasant thoughts and activities when you find yourself sliding into negative thoughts. Try breathing exercises or yoga to relax your breathing and clear your thoughts throughout the day.

There's an old wives tale that says women who are sad and tearful throughout their pregnancy give birth to children who are highly sensitive and weepy. I don't know if there is any scientific explanation for this, but it's reason enough to try to be strong for your little one! Besides, your thoughts shape your reality. If you are down in the dumps and feeling melancholy, you will be more likely to feel like your life is spinning out of control. If you make a conscious effort to remain optimistic and hopeful, you will be able to make sound decisions and control your response to the situation.

Now let's discuss the obvious yet unpleasant reality that you may ultimately have to complete this pregnancy and raise your child alone.

Don't freak out yet!

Becoming a parent for the first time can be nerve-wracking under normal circumstances. I can understand why you might have a lot of apprehension about your relationship coming to an end. However, raising a child alone is not as bad as it seems. The thought of being a single parent can be scary, overwhelming, and downright unfair. However, millions of women (and men) are raising beautiful children alone. It can be done. There are a ton of resources that can help you. Subscribe to blogs written by single mothers, like The Successful Single Mom, and read empowering articles, such as Surviving (and Thriving) as a Single Mom, to get tips and advice about navigating the world of single parenthood. If you need some help, please let me know and I will do my best to provide guidance.

Often, financial issues keep women from leaving toxic relationships. Again, there are resources to help you create self-sufficiency and get back on your feet. You do not have to feel indebted to him, or stay with him if he is jeopardizing your mental health and happiness. Reach out to family and friends to see if they can help, and if not, contact your local Department of Human Services for a list of community resources and to get financial assistance in the form of SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program - formerly known as food stamps), TANF (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families - a program that can help you find a job and provide financial assistance), and WIC (Women, Infants, & Children - a program that will provide food and nutritional information to support you and your growing baby). Contact your local Housing Authority for information about housing solutions. If your partner is emotionally abusive (and it sounds like he probably is), contact local crisis centers and domestic violence organizations. There is a misconception that these agencies only assist women who have been physically abused, but abuse can be emotional, financial, verbal, etc. You do not have to feel trapped or helpless!

I was a single mother for 9 years, and then I met my husband and thought that I would finally be leaving the title behind. I was wrong. He left me when I was 18 weeks pregnant. It was a scary, uncertain time; I had never gone through a pregnancy alone.  However, I found that I actually preferred single parenthood! My previous pregnancies involved unsupportive and selfish partners, which took away from the blissful pregnancy experience that I'd always desired. In fact, I was cheated on during one of my pregnancies, so please know that I can relate to your pain.

My pregnancy as a single mother was stress free because I did not have to worry about any unnecessary arguments or tension. I was able to dictate how the pregnancy went, and I loved every minute of it! So you see, pregnancy can be wonderful when you are alone.

Being a single parent is not ideal, but you have to understand that it is possible in order to address the next step: deciding how much is enough.

This man, whom you've made plans to marry, is now suddenly in love with someone else.

You are heartbroken. "How could he?"  "Why did he?"  "He doesn't know her!" "I thought he loved me!" These are all things you've probably considered a million times by now. Of course you are sad; when we entrust our heart to another person with the expectation that they will protect it, it hurts to find that they have failed. Often, we feel that the one and only person we thought would never hurt us was the one to break our heart. It is a betrayal that cuts deep, especially since we will probably never be able to make sense of it.

There are no explanations for what he's done. There is nothing that I could say to you that would make you feel any better about his decision to pursue someone else, especially when you're carrying his child. The only thing that will heal your wounds, is time.

His selfish and thoughtless behavior was not a mistake. It was not the result of anything you did or didn't do. Cheating is a choice.

Men who cheat during pregnancy are a special kind of stupid. A woman's body undergoes extraordinary changes in order to bring life into this world. Often, these changes include diminished libido caused by hormonal imbalances, morning sickness, feelings of unattractiveness, and a general disinterest in sex. These things are normal. Cheating is not.

I've heard men complain about the lack of attention they received when their partner was pregnant, as though that excuses their disgusting behavior. You have every right to be as comfortable as possible during your pregnancy, and if sex doesn't make you comfortable, you have every right to abstain from it. Usually, libido increases after the first trimester. Yet, by this point, the cheating man has probably already engaged in inappropriate flirting or other behaviors. If a man's argument is that he was feeling unwanted, or his needs were not being met, is that really the type of man you want to marry? Life presents a number of unexpected challenges; someone who cannot remain committed to you in the span of 3 short months probably isn't fit to journey through life with you.

Someone who loves you and wants to spend the rest of their life with you will not cheat on you. Love is a promise. It is a commitment. It is unconditional. Love doesn't take a break for 9 months while your body is performing miracles. Love doesn't turn to someone else when you do not want to have sex. Love doesn't meet someone new and decide to throw away six years of memories and experiences.

So this guy did you a favor.

Yes, you envisioned your life with him and wanted to spend the rest of your days with him, but at what cost? Are you willing to endure the torture of mistrust for an undetermined amount of time going forward? How many years will you spend wondering if he has found someone else on a whim, or if he really put an end to a relationship with this other woman?

Some dreams, as beautiful as they may be, cannot come to fruition. That's life.

Sometimes we have to make difficult decisions that involve relinquishing plans to protect ourselves. What do you deserve? What are you worth? Never beg a man to stay by your side when he wants to leave. What does that benefit you? It just shows him that you are desperate enough for his companionship that he can mistreat you and you will still be right there.

Throughout my life, I have had to make some very difficult choices concerning relationships. I have had to ask myself, "What would I want my children to do?"

Even though your sweet pea is still inside of you, you must be strong for him or her and set an example of confidence, self-esteem, and self-love. If you don't take a stand now and set standards for the way you are treated, your child will get older and smarter, and watch Mommy accept and excuse mistreatment by Daddy time and time again until they learn that: a) that is how they should show love; and b) that is how they should expect to be loved.

It feels like the end of the world. It doesn't have to be.

After my husband left, I made the decision to be as strong as I could each day. It was not always easy. I worked a demanding full-time job, had to stretch each dollar, and cared for my other children by myself. However, each day I was determined to exhibit as much strength as I could. I controlled my thoughts, refusing to feel overwhelmed or depressed, and each day I told myself that if I could just make it to the end of the day, I would be okay. Each morning, my strength was renewed and I did it all over again.

You can do it. One day at a time.

People change. He may deeply regret his decisions down the line and realize that he made a terrible mistake, but his mistake is not your responsibility. People do not change overnight. When we make mistakes, our immediate response is to try to overcompensate with apologies and promises, but if we are honest with ourselves, we would know that our empty words do not heal the pain we create in others. Change takes time. You may eventually decide to give your relationship another chance, but I hope that you will take a good, long time and make sure that his immaturity and selfishness have been resolved with self-examination and dedicated self-improvement that only he can engineer. At that time, I would suggest relationship counseling in order to heal properly and avoid dragging old pain into your future.

This choice is only one that you can make. My advise is to love yourself.

Good luck, and make sure to take care of that little baby!

XO

"I'm Leaving My Abusive Relationship"

Dear Ruby, 

My husband is abusive, controlling, and I am making plans to leave him. He has taken all of my money and hides my keys from me to make sure that I cannot do anything on my own. If I could move out and divorce him immediately, I would. I currently have a part-time job, and I just scheduled an interview for a full-time position tomorrow. I cannot wait to leave so that I don't have to deal with the anger and constant belittling words anymore. 

Yesterday, I asked my parents if my me and my boys can stay with them until I can get back on my feet. They said no. I'm so upset. They can't help their own daughter and grandchildren with shelter for a short time? I don't get it, I feel as though they are abandoning me when I need them the most. I don't ever ask for anything. I don't know what to do right now, I do not want to stay in this unhealthy situation with my kids, but I feel stuck with no options. 

Signed, 

Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous,

The very first thing that you need to do is calm down. You are in the midst of a very stressful situation, and your natural response is to panic. You have to maintain control of your emotions so that you can think clearly, and take steps to ensure that you and your children are safe and happy.

Make no mistake about it, emotional and financial abuse are just as serious as physical abuse. Without knowing if your husband has physically assaulted you, the mention of controlling behavior is a red flag and I am glad that you recognize these unhealthy behaviors as reasons to leave.

Your decision to leave is the most important decision that you can make for yourself, and for your children. Far too often, women remain in unhealthy and abusive environments because they think that things will change. Abuse does not just disappear overnight; abusive behaviors are learned and implemented over time. In order for the abuser to stop this behavior, they need to understand that it is wrong, and seek professional help, which is a long-term process that requires accountability and the desire to change. They may never stop.

You are doing the right thing, and you should continue to tell yourself that as you move forward.

One of the most challenging parts of leaving an abusive situation, is thinking about the time between when you leave and when you are able to secure housing/work/etc. The fear of the unknown can be paralyzing, and unfortunately it results in many women not leaving before it is too late. It is unsafe to stay in your environment while trying to save enough money to get your own home. It is also harmful to your emotional health to continue to expose yourself to a controlling man who has removed resources in order to trap you and cause you to feel helpless. As a mother, you understandably want to provide as much stability for your children as you can during this time of transition.

I commend you for trying to stay with your parents, and I am sorry that they have decided not to let you stay with them. However, as unfair as it may seem, it might be a blessing in disguise. Try not to let your disappointment about their refusal create more stress, because with or without the support of your family, you can do this!

There is a wonderful network of women's crisis centers that help women just like you. The hardest part is making the first phone call. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a crisis hotline available to answer your call 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233. Their website, http://www.thehotline.org/help/, provides resources and features an online chat service that lets you send messages to a representative for help. The hotline will help you to find agencies in your area and give you important information to keep you safe. You can also search online for women's crisis centers or domestic violence crisis centers in your area. Often, women are scared to reach out to women's crisis centers because they do not know what to expect. Make no mistake, the person who answers your call has been specifically trained to help you, and they will not judge you. All you have to say is, "I need help."

The first thing you will do when you speak to a representative is develop a safety plan. The representative will determine whether it is safe for you to speak openly at the time, and if it is safe for them to call you back at the number you are calling from.

Most crisis centers can provide transportation to help you and your children safely exit your home. If you need transportation, you can arrange pick-up for a time when you know that your husband will not be home, or if you are in the midst of a crisis, you can be picked-up from a safe place.

If you are able to plan your exit in advance,  you can prepare by gathering important documents and items that you need such as: your driver's license, and birth certificates and social security cards for you and your children. You can also include recent bills and other documentation regarding your expenses. Store these documents in a discreet place where they can be easily accessed. On your exit day bring these documents, and if you have the time, pack a suitcase with a few outfits and any prescription medications you may need. You may have the time to pack more of your belongings, but be prepared to leave everything behind if necessary. The crisis center can help you with clothing, diapers, and toiletries.

The crisis center will be able to help you with legal services like divorce and custody. If your husband destroys or removes your belongings from your home, he will be legally accountable, so do not worry about leaving your possessions temporarily. If there is anything in your home that has special sentimental value, you may want to bring it to your parents' house for safekeeping in advance, but please do not do anything that is a noticeable change in behavior since your husband is watchful of your actions.

The next part is not easy. It is one of the biggest hurdles for women who have never had to utilize shelter services. The crisis center can arrange for you and your children to stay at a safe location temporarily.

Nobody wants to have to go to a shelter, much less take their children. However, do not let the stigma stop you. The shelter services that I have seen have all been clean and comfortable. You will likely share a small room with your children. If the shelter is crowded, or requires that you share rooms with strangers, try not to let it worry you. The women and children that you will encounter in a shelter are experiencing the same fears as you are, and they are seeking safety, just like you. There will be books and toys for your children, and most importantly, you will be together in a protected environment.

A lot of women are able to skip shelter housing with the help of friends and family, but when this is not possible, it may work out to your benefit. Many shelters receive grant funding that can help you to get back on your feet. For example, if an agency provides transitional housing services, they may be able to help you find housing and cover the costs of your expenses for a short period of time while you work and get settled. Crisis centers operate in partnership with local human service agencies, which can help you find housing and employment, and provide resources for food and insurance. 

If you are living off-site, these services may not be available to you. Your presence in a shelter facility shows that you need help, and the agency will do everything in its power to make you comfortable, keep you safe, and get you back on your feet. Most agencies also provide free counseling services for you and your children, which are important for all victims of domestic violence.

Additionally, if you are utilizing child care services, it is important that you speak with your child care provider to understand your rights and learn how they will address the safety of your children. If your husband is listed on the child's birth certificate, the facility cannot legally deny access to the children. You may be able to put an alert on your children's file so that you are contacted if someone tries to take the children out of the facility, but in all cases it is best to attempt to get an emergency custody order. Speak with the crisis center about this and until you have a plan you may want to keep the children out of their normal facility. Without documentation granting custody to one parent, both parents have equal access to children. Your husband may use the children to try to get you to come back, or keep them away from you as a form of emotional abuse. 

It is important that you follow the safety plan that you create with the agency representative. They are trained to keep you out of harm's way, so please follow their instructions. Also, remember that the first 24 hours after leaving an abusive situation are the most dangerous; your absence will likely infuriate your abusive husband. While reconciliation might be possible down the line, right now your safety and the safety of your children is of the utmost importance, and it is important not to communicate with him or let him know where you are. Work with the representatives of the agency if you have any questions or concerns.

You can do this! You are courageous, and you are a good mother. You want to get your children out of an unhealthy environment, and that is incredibly admirable. Situations like this are very hard, but they are also defining moments in your life that will show you how strong you truly are. When you make that first phone call, you are making steps toward a brighter and happier future.

Right now you may feel like your parents have abandoned you, and while their decision may ultimately mean that you have to step out on faith and go through this process, try to see the silver lining. This process will teach you a lot about yourself and your abilities. You will develop confidence that has been stolen from you by your abusive husband when you see that you are capable of saving yourself! Keep your heart open to your parents, and do not let your current anger or frustration weigh you down. Their reasons may be impossible to understand right now, but you have bigger fish to fry and you can do it without their help if necessary.

Good luck and may God bless you and your babies.

XO

"My Whole Marriage Was A Lie"

Dear Ruby, 

After  8 years of marriage, my ex finally told me that he was only faithful to me for 2 years. He said that it was all my fault, and that I wasn't good enough for him. He also told me that he never loved me, and that he'd only married me because I got pregnant after a year of being together. My whole marriage was a lie and my heart is broken all over again. How am I supposed to move on from this? 

Signed, 

Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous, 

My heart hurts for you! I know how it feels to find out that someone you shared a life with was not genuine or faithful for the duration of the relationship. While you were putting effort into maintaining your marriage, your ex was not deserving of that effort, and his actions were not reciprocal. 

As much as it hurts, you have to make the conscious decision not to give him the power to make you feel unworthy, unloved, or unwanted. This is especially important since your marriage has already ended; it would be awful to let his disrespectful words and hurtful revelations once again expose you to a tremendous amount of pain. 

There is nothing that you can do to change the past. You can, however, learn from it.

6 years ago, when your ex's indiscretions began, it was only shortly after the birth of your child. The first 2-3 years of parenthood are always incredibly stressful for new parents, and it sounds like that may have contributed to his unhappiness. In order to truly heal, you have to understand that this was not your fault! 

The admission that he married you because you got pregnant confirms that he was not ready for marriage. He was attempting to do what he felt was the right and responsible thing. However, he may not have been in the right place mentally or emotionally to sustain those responsible actions, no matter how good his intentions originally were. Again, this is not your fault. 

It is likely that he did have strong feelings for you at some point in time. "I never loved you," is one of the worst things a person can say to try to hurt us. Don't let him control your emotions with words that are no longer relevant. Remember that love is not a feeling, it is a commitment. Find solace in the fact that true love is not misleading or manipulative as you move forward. 

How do you move on from this? First, by accepting that whether or not your marriage was a lie, it is now over. Next, by loving and valuing yourself enough to know that no matter what he says, you are enough! There may have been things that you could have done differently, but do not beat yourself up about things in the past that you cannot change. Instead,  know that you are a work in progress.

This is a vulnerable time for you. Take time for some self-reflection, and if you find that there are areas in your life that you would like to improve, make the necessary changes for you...not for anybody else and not as a result of how an unfaithful and spiteful ex is trying to make you feel.

Be strong, look to the future, and don't be held prisoner by the past.

XO 

"Our Date Was Cut Short"

Dear Ruby:

 
I went to a co-worker/friends birthday party, and one of her male friends asked me for my phone number, I was attracted to him, and he seemed to have a great personality. I only work with this co-worker ever other Wednesday, so when I saw her again, I told her that I'd exchanged numbers with him. She didn't seem to have a problem with it. I told her we made plans to go out that Saturday.

While I was on the date with her male friend that I'd met at the party, she called him and told him that she was stranded and needed him to pick her up. When he explained the situation, I said okay, let's get her! He responded that she didn't want me to see her like that, so I couldn't go. Our date was cut short. I was very disappointed, and now I'm not sure what to think or how to handle things with him in the future

Signed,

A Confused Co-Worker

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Dear Confused Co-Worker, 

Imagine yourself in a crisis situation. Would you want someone that you didn't know very well to be present while trying to handle it? I wouldn't! 

There have been plenty of times when I have called friends or family members to ask for their assistance, and I would have been very uncomfortable and even offended if they had brought someone with them. I’m assuming that you don’t know the circumstances of your coworker’s emergency; hopefully your date/her friend would not share those details with you out of respect for his friendship with her. It is very possible that she did not have anybody else to call and needed his assistance without wanting anybody else’s presence or involvement.

This scenario shows you that your date is very compassionate and looks out for the people that he cares about. He displayed great qualities by being there for someone in need, and he deserves a lot of credit for that! Even though you are disappointed by your date being cut short, you must recognize that he did the right thing, and not hold it against him despite the inconvenience that it caused you. He asked for your number and asked you to go out with him, so he was probably very disappointed to not be able to finish the date too! If you consider this coworker to be a friend, your disappointment should be overshadowed by the relief that she is ok, and that even though she didn’t feel comfortable with you being there, her friend made sure that she was ok.

Please understand that their friendship existed before you were in the picture; you have to respect that unless you want to create a big problem for yourself. If you and this man were in a relationship or had been dating seriously for some time, it might have been inappropriate for him to leave you hanging like that to run to his friend’s aid, but it would be very premature for you to have a problem with it right now.

I understand why this is a dilemma for you, I would be uneasy about the situation too, but you have to use your best judgment here and not jump the gun or let an emotional response such as disappointment outweigh your logical reasoning.

If you haven’t already, I think you should definitely reschedule your date for another time. Make sure that you let him know that it was very admirable for him to help his friend/your coworker. If you haven’t spoken to him since Saturday, you should ask if everything was ok to show that you were concerned for your coworker and to express understanding for his having to leave.

In keeping it real, I will discuss the second thought that came to my mind as I read about your dilemma:

I do not know the history of your relationship with your coworker, but I’m interested in knowing about her reaction when you told her that you exchanged numbers with her friend. Was this friend someone that she had spoken to you about previously, or did you just meet him at the party without previously knowing any more about him? Does your coworker have a boyfriend or significant other to your knowledge? I am interested in knowing this background information because it is possible that your coworker was not happy about you developing a relationship with her friend. You said that she didn’t seem to have a problem with it, but you can learn a lot about a person by their body language; sometimes we miss small cues that signal a problem because we are not paying attention to what a person doesn’t say.

There are some people who say that men and women can be platonic friends; I, however, am not one of those people. I believe that there is always an attraction. While the attraction may be completely one-sided and never communicated, it almost always exists. There are some exceptions to this rule of course, but generally I think that one party will always develop an attraction to the other. I have had plenty of men who I have been friends with that I felt no attraction towards, yet I was aware of their attraction toward me. They may or may not have expressed how they felt, but the attraction was like an elephant in the room; despite my efforts to ignore it, it lingered between us until something happened that caused our friendship to grow more distant. Usually one party gets tired of waiting in the friendzone, or a relationship will develop between the other party and someone else.

I said all of that to address the possibility that your coworker is attracted to her male friend. Something tells me that this may be part of your concern and the reason why you see this as a dilemma. You let her know that you exchanged numbers and that you were going out on a specific date, and then she called and interrupted the date by asking him to pick her up. She may not have intentionally sought his assistance while you were together, as I said previously maybe she had nobody else to call, or she forgot that your date was on Saturday.

It could be purely coincidental that she called with an emergency that ultimately led to the date being cut short. However, there could be an underlying issue. Our first inclination is usually to confront the problem, but in this case that would be a bad idea. You have to remember that this man is her friend, and you do not want to be perceived as being jealous or trying to hinder their friendship.

Ultimately, he asked for your number and asked to take you out on a date. If he were interested in your coworker, he wouldn’t have asked you out! If she has a problem with you dating her friend, she may or may not express it, and if she does you will just have to deal with it from that point.

Do not let this small hiccup become a bigger problem! Don’t let your disappointment in one situation have any power or impact the way that you deal with the man! I would advise you to remain mindful of your coworker’s behavior, and definitely make sure not to discuss anything in great detail with her regarding your involvement with her friend.

Besides that, give the man his props because he definitely deserves them! Compassion is one of the best character traits and acts of kindness deserve to be recognized. Plan another date and have a great time!

XO

"I'm Feeling Smothered"

Dear Ruby:

I want to break up with my boyfriend. I feel that I do not have any time for myself because he always wants to be around me. When I have free time, he always tries to come to my house, even though I just want to be alone! He recently asked me to move in with him, but there is no way that I am ready for that. I feel that he is holding me back; he doesn’t fully support my goals. I want to be able to travel and create a life of adventure, and when I express this to him, he is discouraging. I think he’s starting to notice that I’m not happy, we spend less and less time together, which is perfect for me but makes him try to overcompensate by trying to spend even more time with me. I love him, but I really just want to be single again, and I don’t know how to tell him.

Signed,

Suffocating in Silence

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Dear Suffocating in Silence,

I’ve been on both sides of this story, so I can relate to how you feel, as well as how your boyfriend probably feels:

The summer after my Junior year in high school, I traveled to Miami, Florida for the NAACP ACT-SO Competition and National Convention. I had a great time, and while I was there I met and fell in love with a young man who lived in Illinois. He was a trombone player, and was competing in the competition. We spent the next year in a long-distance relationship. During my Senior year and his first year of college, we traveled back and forth between Colorado and Illinois; he took me to my Senior Prom; I grew very close to his family; and eventually we decided that I should go to the same university he was attending.

Everything was perfect! We’d made plans to spend the rest of our lives together, and I was excited to take the first step by joining him at a small, private university in Southern Illinois. From the day of my arrival, I was with him 24/7. I missed all of the icebreaking activities for incoming freshman, because I was so eager to spend every waking moment with him, making up for the year-long absence. As a result, I missed the opportunity to meet anybody else. I didn’t even know the girls that lived on the same floor of my dorm.

I thought that everything was fine, but my clinginess was starting to really bother him. He didn’t say anything at first, but when he started making subtle hints about wanting to participate in other activities, I thought that he must be unhappy with me. I internalized his needs for space, blaming myself and wondering what I’d done wrong, instead of realizing that we just healthy needed time apart. Within one month, the relationship ended in a dramatic, drawn-out, heartbreaking way.

It wasn’t until months later when I realized what had gone wrong. By the time I made new friends and developed a normal social life, it was too late, and I lost my high school sweetheart and the love of my life forever.

—

In the years following that break-up, I’ve also found myself on the opposite side of a clingy relationship. It’s unpleasant and uncomfortable when you’re in need of alone time and you begin to feel indebted by a person’s desire to constantly be in your presence. I’ve known fantastic men, who went and above and beyond to make sure that my needs were met and that I was happy, but the relationship did not last because at that time in my life I needed the ability to spend time alone. Whether I wanted to sit quietly and drink warm tea while reading a good book, go to the gym, or just take a walk by myself, I wanted to be alone with my thoughts to evaluate my life, dream about the future, set goals or just relax.

What I’ve learned, is that all relationships must have a healthy balance of time together, and time apart. It is unhealthy and unrealistic to expect someone to spend all of their free time with you, no matter how much you may want to see them. In relationships, both parties should maintain a social life outside of their relationship that allows for plenty of interaction with friends and family. Isolation is a relationship killer! Both parties should also have hobbies and interests that allow for quality alone time.

You must establish the ideal amount of space and time spent apart early in a relationship to avoid situations like this, where the other person wants to grow closer and you feel like you’re really growing apart. If you create boundaries from the start, there is less chance that miscommunications and misunderstandings will arise out of the seemingly sudden need for space.

Referring back to my break-up; the start of that relationship involved all the space in the world, 18 whole hours of space by train. The only time I could even speak to my boyfriend was in the evening, when he was finished with classes and I was finished with school and soccer practice. Even though we racked up over $1,400 in cell phone bills (sorry Mom), our relief when we were finally together still should have been accompanied by conversations about the need to maintain our separate lives while we built a solid foundation together. When he was feeling claustrophobic, he didn’t express his needs to me, so the sudden shock of hearing that he wanted to be alone resulted in insecurity and fear when it should have been met with understanding, compromise, and agreement.

For that reason, always be sure to communicate your needs with your partner. In doing so, you must also remember that everyone has a different love language, and for some, closeness represents love.

Most people model their ideal relationship from what they’ve learned from observation, starting in the home. If a person’s parents are very close and spent a great deal of time together, they will probably grow up with the desire to emulate that relationship, seeking someone who they feel at home with, and wanting to recreate the closeness they felt in childhood. Alternately, when a person’s parents are separated or there are problems in the home that create separation between the two, a person may either grow up needing even more space, or they may crave closeness because they feel that something is lacking. Movies and media give an unrealistic portrayal of relationships, there usually isn’t much screen-time to portray the need for alone time, so what’s shown is melodramatic closeness, which many people also try to imitate in their real-life relationships. These difference make communication essential when ensuring that no feelings are hurt and needs are clearly expressed.

I suggest that you communicate with your partner by writing a letter that explains your needs. Take your time while writing, and really think about the message you’d like to get across. Be specific about the amount of time you’d like to spend alone, even if it’s most of your free time. Ultimately, this letter will help your partner to understand that they haven’t done anything wrong.

Writing a letter can be the best way to communicate through difficult situations in your relationships. Communication is essential to a healthy relationship, but it can also be very tricky. People have a tendency to interrupt, or listen simply to respond instead of truly hearing each other’s words. This letter will give a clear and concise explanation for why you need space, even if it’s written as an ultimatum. If your partner is unwilling to meet your needs and respect your desire for time alone, they can make the decision to walk away.

If they choose to stay, you must remember to be patient. This will likely be a learning experience for both of you. It might take time for them to modify their behaviors to match the new boundaries in your relationship, so you should prepare yourself for the emotional adjustments that may occur while they work to make the necessary changes.

However, if you have already tried to express yourself to your partner numerous times and you really feel that after communicating the problem you’d still prefer to be single, that’s a choice that you have every right to make.

Please make your decision with the knowledge that at some point down the road you may want someone who gives you the same amount of attention you’re getting now, and that it may be more difficult to find someone who wants the same things. When you’re ready to enter the dating scene again, remember to compromise and establish boundaries from the beginning, and as always, live with no regrets!

XO