"I Dislike My Husband's Friend"

Dear Ruby, 

My husband is planning to go to a concert tonight with his best friend. 

They bought tickets to the concert in June, which was before my husband and I separated for two months. I totally forgot about it until he mentioned it on Monday. We have since reconciled; I forgive him and he forgives me. My husband is still living with his friend while are going to counseling and trying to put our family back together. 

I have a huge problem with the friend. This is the same friend who helped him load half of the house up while the kids and I were gone, and move it to his house without even telling us that he was going. This is also the same friend who encouraged my husband to quit paying the mortgage and bills here, and to start paying bills at his house. The same friend who made the statement that my daughters (who are not biologically my husband's daughters), are "not his kids anyway." This friend has talked so much crap about me in front of my kids that now my four year old hates him, and refuses to go to his house. 

I cannot bring myself to be even be civil to his friend. He gave my husband a hard time about reconciling for weeks, and made jokes about me at work in front of everyone at their job. This is triggering a lot of negative emotions for me but I haven't said anything to my husband because he already knows how I feel. 

Am I crazy for feeling this way? 

Signed, 

Unfriendly Wife

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Dear Unfriendly Wife, 

No, you're not crazy for feeling the way that you do about your husband's friend. Issues related to the friends of a spouse are not uncommon. I'm sorry that you are going through this, and I am even more sorry that your children are involved. 

It is understandable that you are upset about your husband's friend saying negative things about you in front of your children. However, you cannot blame him for being a friend to your husband at the time of your separation. Everything you mentioned regarding the friend's role in your separation is troublesome, but you have to disassociate your anger about his involvement with your feelings about the separation overall. 

Your husband's friend was simply being a friend. He was providing support during a difficult time, which is something that we all seek from our friends. At the time of separation, it is likely that your husband didn't foresee reconciliation. When couples break up, they often spew hateful information about each other to their closest friends. They vent. Everything people say when they vent isn't necessarily accurate, but in the heat of the moment accuracy probably didn't matter to your husband's friend; he saw that his friend was hurting, and he was supportive in his own way. 

If it makes you feel any better, I have experienced both sides of this situation. I have vented about a partner, exaggerating bad details; and I have also learned that my partner told his friends inaccurate details about me and our relationship. When we are hurting we seek comfort, and in order to evoke their deepest sympathy we tend to exaggerate and tell them only bad things about the other person. 

There are always three sides to every story: What he said; what she said; and the truth! Our supportive friends aren't there to sort through the details; they are there to offer a shoulder to lean on. Our friends are there to help us move out, and to protect our best interests. In this case, it sounds like his friend was telling him not to pay the bills as a friend who wanted to help, not as someone who held a personal grudge against you.

Ultimately, it was your husband's decision to leave the marital home and fail to pay the mortgage. When the dust settled and emotions were calmed, your husband could have considered his obligation to his family, and he failed to make the responsible decision to discuss finances with you.

Without knowing what your original problem was, if you have forgiven your husband, you should take care not to transfer your anger and resentment to his friend. The choices made were your husband's, forgiveness should be an opportunity for you to heal. Therefore, you should also strive to forgive your husband's friend for his indirect role in your unhappiness.  

I'm curious as to why your husband is still living away from home if you are attempting to reconcile? Unless this was suggested by your counselor, it seems that his continued absence, paired with the fact that he is living with someone who aided him in leaving, is causing ongoing tension. If you have both made the decision to work through your problems, it may be time to resume a normal lifestyle as soon as possible. Again, without knowing specific details, I cannot advise you as to whether he should move back home; but if he did return, the added strain of your children having to visit their father at his friend's house could be avoided. 

Your situation is complicated by the fact that your children have heard unflattering things about you from your husband's best friend, someone with whom they probably had a relationship prior to this debacle. Children should not be involved in spats between adults. It might be best that your children do not spend time at your husband's friend's house if they are feeling particularly uncomfortable. You should speak to your husband about this rather than just making a decision without involving him, so that he does not feel that the kids are being alienated. The children should not have to sacrifice time with their father just because his living arrangements are not conducive to their emotional well-being; all the more reason for your husband to return home. 

Once he returns home, I would suggest that your husband's friend keeps his distance for a while. Not necessarily from your husband, but from all of you in a group setting. This time apart will give your children time to readjust to mommy and daddy being together in the home again, and will help heal the wounds left by any negativity they heard.

As you continue the process of reconciliation, keep in mind that your attitude toward your husband's friend is important. You cannot change a person's friends, or demand that they discontinue close friendships. Isolation in a relationship is very unhealthy. Even if you think that the friend is a bad influence, you should never try to change or end a friendship.  How would you feel if your partner tried to alter your friendships? 

It is in your best interest to rebuild a rapport with the friend. When a spouse does not get along with the other party's friends, it results in tension. Your husband may feel that he cannot talk to you about matters involving the friend, subsequently avoiding conversations about potentially important things because he is afraid of your reaction. Communication is essential to any relationship, so anything that hinders it should be resolved immediately.

If you can move past your anger toward your husband's friend, he should be reintroduced to family settings carefully, a little at a time. Your children need to see that you are okay with his presence. Use this opportunity to teach your children the value of forgiveness, and show them what it means to be the bigger person. 

Ultimately, I am hopeful that you will be able to get past this hiccup in your marriage. Even though you think your husband knows how you feel, you should take some time to try to reevaluate your feelings, and then have another conversation. It might help to write your feelings. Be empathetic, and explain your position in a gentle way. Be understanding and patient, your husband may need some time after the conversation to process what you are saying and determine the best course of action with special consideration to his friendship, so do not demand a response right away. Instead, trust him to handle the situation in a way that works, and if it's not suitable after a short time, readdress as needed. 

As far as the concert tonight, relax! You cannot control anyone else's actions, only your own. If you love and trust your husband, you have nothing to worry about. Try to put your mind at ease while they are out. Read a good book, watch one of your favorite movies, or go out with one of your friends! Take your mind off of what they are doing, and instead set your sights on ways to improve your marriage so that you do not have to go through another separation. 

XO