Dear Ruby,
I need some advice.
I am 25 weeks pregnant, and my fiance just told me that he met someone else and wants to be with her. He went on a work-related trip to do research for 5 weeks, and met this woman who lives in Turkey. She is in the States doing research for a bit; she is also in a relationship.
Ever since he came back from his trip, he tells me that he wants her and that he doesn't love me anymore. Initially he said we can't work things out. Now he says that he will try to work on us and put her aside, but I have no idea if that's true.
I love him, and I can't believe he just wants to throw our history and what we have away for someone he doesn't even know.
Signed,
Sad Mommy to Be.
Dear (Sad) Mommy to Be,
Congratulations on your pregnancy!
It may not seem like it now, with all of the emotional and physical changes you are going through, but motherhood is one of the most amazing blessings you will ever experience!
I will preface my response by saying that I believe in happiness and peace. There are some who will tell you that you should try to resolve serious issues in relationships, such as infidelity, drug use, etc. However, I believe that you have the right to be happy, and I do not believe that you should be tethered to things that rob you of your happiness or prevent your peace. You deserve to have a joyous pregnancy. For that reason, let's try to get to the bottom of this unfortunate mess.
First, let's address the obvious. You are 25 weeks pregnant; which means that in only 15 weeks or less, you will be giving birth to a little angel. This is a very critical time in your pregnancy. Your baby is developing quickly, and your body needs all of the help it can get to create this miracle. Therefore, you have to take very good care of yourself, despite your emotional state:
- Make sure that you are eating nutritious food (snack on raw veggies, fruits, and drink a lot of water), and taking a prenatal vitamin daily.
- Begin a light exercise regimen, like walking, or continue your existing exercise routine with clearance from your physician. Exercise is one of the best ways to maintain your mental health; it can help you battle depression and anxiety, relieves stress, and helps you sleep better at night.
- During emotionally challenging times, some people tend to lose sleep; you cannot allow this to happen. Do not overthink! Instead spend your time before bed with a good book, a funny movie, a relaxing bath, a cup of Sleepytime tea, or relaxing soundscapes. These calming techniques will help you get a good night's sleep.
Good nutrition and ample sleep are especially important right now because your baby feels everything that you feel. Stress can wreak havoc on the body, so be sure to take deep breaths, and try to distract yourself with pleasant thoughts and activities when you find yourself sliding into negative thoughts. Try breathing exercises or yoga to relax your breathing and clear your thoughts throughout the day.
There's an old wives tale that says women who are sad and tearful throughout their pregnancy give birth to children who are highly sensitive and weepy. I don't know if there is any scientific explanation for this, but it's reason enough to try to be strong for your little one! Besides, your thoughts shape your reality. If you are down in the dumps and feeling melancholy, you will be more likely to feel like your life is spinning out of control. If you make a conscious effort to remain optimistic and hopeful, you will be able to make sound decisions and control your response to the situation.
Now let's discuss the obvious yet unpleasant reality that you may ultimately have to complete this pregnancy and raise your child alone.
Don't freak out yet!
Becoming a parent for the first time can be nerve-wracking under normal circumstances. I can understand why you might have a lot of apprehension about your relationship coming to an end. However, raising a child alone is not as bad as it seems. The thought of being a single parent can be scary, overwhelming, and downright unfair. However, millions of women (and men) are raising beautiful children alone. It can be done. There are a ton of resources that can help you. Subscribe to blogs written by single mothers, like The Successful Single Mom, and read empowering articles, such as Surviving (and Thriving) as a Single Mom, to get tips and advice about navigating the world of single parenthood. If you need some help, please let me know and I will do my best to provide guidance.
Often, financial issues keep women from leaving toxic relationships. Again, there are resources to help you create self-sufficiency and get back on your feet. You do not have to feel indebted to him, or stay with him if he is jeopardizing your mental health and happiness. Reach out to family and friends to see if they can help, and if not, contact your local Department of Human Services for a list of community resources and to get financial assistance in the form of SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program - formerly known as food stamps), TANF (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families - a program that can help you find a job and provide financial assistance), and WIC (Women, Infants, & Children - a program that will provide food and nutritional information to support you and your growing baby). Contact your local Housing Authority for information about housing solutions. If your partner is emotionally abusive (and it sounds like he probably is), contact local crisis centers and domestic violence organizations. There is a misconception that these agencies only assist women who have been physically abused, but abuse can be emotional, financial, verbal, etc. You do not have to feel trapped or helpless!
I was a single mother for 9 years, and then I met my husband and thought that I would finally be leaving the title behind. I was wrong. He left me when I was 18 weeks pregnant. It was a scary, uncertain time; I had never gone through a pregnancy alone. However, I found that I actually preferred single parenthood! My previous pregnancies involved unsupportive and selfish partners, which took away from the blissful pregnancy experience that I'd always desired. In fact, I was cheated on during one of my pregnancies, so please know that I can relate to your pain.
My pregnancy as a single mother was stress free because I did not have to worry about any unnecessary arguments or tension. I was able to dictate how the pregnancy went, and I loved every minute of it! So you see, pregnancy can be wonderful when you are alone.
Being a single parent is not ideal, but you have to understand that it is possible in order to address the next step: deciding how much is enough.
This man, whom you've made plans to marry, is now suddenly in love with someone else.
You are heartbroken. "How could he?" "Why did he?" "He doesn't know her!" "I thought he loved me!" These are all things you've probably considered a million times by now. Of course you are sad; when we entrust our heart to another person with the expectation that they will protect it, it hurts to find that they have failed. Often, we feel that the one and only person we thought would never hurt us was the one to break our heart. It is a betrayal that cuts deep, especially since we will probably never be able to make sense of it.
There are no explanations for what he's done. There is nothing that I could say to you that would make you feel any better about his decision to pursue someone else, especially when you're carrying his child. The only thing that will heal your wounds, is time.
His selfish and thoughtless behavior was not a mistake. It was not the result of anything you did or didn't do. Cheating is a choice.
Men who cheat during pregnancy are a special kind of stupid. A woman's body undergoes extraordinary changes in order to bring life into this world. Often, these changes include diminished libido caused by hormonal imbalances, morning sickness, feelings of unattractiveness, and a general disinterest in sex. These things are normal. Cheating is not.
I've heard men complain about the lack of attention they received when their partner was pregnant, as though that excuses their disgusting behavior. You have every right to be as comfortable as possible during your pregnancy, and if sex doesn't make you comfortable, you have every right to abstain from it. Usually, libido increases after the first trimester. Yet, by this point, the cheating man has probably already engaged in inappropriate flirting or other behaviors. If a man's argument is that he was feeling unwanted, or his needs were not being met, is that really the type of man you want to marry? Life presents a number of unexpected challenges; someone who cannot remain committed to you in the span of 3 short months probably isn't fit to journey through life with you.
Someone who loves you and wants to spend the rest of their life with you will not cheat on you. Love is a promise. It is a commitment. It is unconditional. Love doesn't take a break for 9 months while your body is performing miracles. Love doesn't turn to someone else when you do not want to have sex. Love doesn't meet someone new and decide to throw away six years of memories and experiences.
So this guy did you a favor.
Yes, you envisioned your life with him and wanted to spend the rest of your days with him, but at what cost? Are you willing to endure the torture of mistrust for an undetermined amount of time going forward? How many years will you spend wondering if he has found someone else on a whim, or if he really put an end to a relationship with this other woman?
Some dreams, as beautiful as they may be, cannot come to fruition. That's life.
Sometimes we have to make difficult decisions that involve relinquishing plans to protect ourselves. What do you deserve? What are you worth? Never beg a man to stay by your side when he wants to leave. What does that benefit you? It just shows him that you are desperate enough for his companionship that he can mistreat you and you will still be right there.
Throughout my life, I have had to make some very difficult choices concerning relationships. I have had to ask myself, "What would I want my children to do?"
Even though your sweet pea is still inside of you, you must be strong for him or her and set an example of confidence, self-esteem, and self-love. If you don't take a stand now and set standards for the way you are treated, your child will get older and smarter, and watch Mommy accept and excuse mistreatment by Daddy time and time again until they learn that: a) that is how they should show love; and b) that is how they should expect to be loved.
It feels like the end of the world. It doesn't have to be.
After my husband left, I made the decision to be as strong as I could each day. It was not always easy. I worked a demanding full-time job, had to stretch each dollar, and cared for my other children by myself. However, each day I was determined to exhibit as much strength as I could. I controlled my thoughts, refusing to feel overwhelmed or depressed, and each day I told myself that if I could just make it to the end of the day, I would be okay. Each morning, my strength was renewed and I did it all over again.
You can do it. One day at a time.
People change. He may deeply regret his decisions down the line and realize that he made a terrible mistake, but his mistake is not your responsibility. People do not change overnight. When we make mistakes, our immediate response is to try to overcompensate with apologies and promises, but if we are honest with ourselves, we would know that our empty words do not heal the pain we create in others. Change takes time. You may eventually decide to give your relationship another chance, but I hope that you will take a good, long time and make sure that his immaturity and selfishness have been resolved with self-examination and dedicated self-improvement that only he can engineer. At that time, I would suggest relationship counseling in order to heal properly and avoid dragging old pain into your future.
This choice is only one that you can make. My advise is to love yourself.
Good luck, and make sure to take care of that little baby!
XO
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