Dear Ruby:
I want to break up with my boyfriend. I feel that I do not have any time for myself because he always wants to be around me. When I have free time, he always tries to come to my house, even though I just want to be alone! He recently asked me to move in with him, but there is no way that I am ready for that. I feel that he is holding me back; he doesn’t fully support my goals. I want to be able to travel and create a life of adventure, and when I express this to him, he is discouraging. I think he’s starting to notice that I’m not happy, we spend less and less time together, which is perfect for me but makes him try to overcompensate by trying to spend even more time with me. I love him, but I really just want to be single again, and I don’t know how to tell him.
Signed,
Suffocating in Silence
Dear Suffocating in Silence,
I’ve been on both sides of this story, so I can relate to how you feel, as well as how your boyfriend probably feels:
The summer after my Junior year in high school, I traveled to Miami, Florida for the NAACP ACT-SO Competition and National Convention. I had a great time, and while I was there I met and fell in love with a young man who lived in Illinois. He was a trombone player, and was competing in the competition. We spent the next year in a long-distance relationship. During my Senior year and his first year of college, we traveled back and forth between Colorado and Illinois; he took me to my Senior Prom; I grew very close to his family; and eventually we decided that I should go to the same university he was attending.
Everything was perfect! We’d made plans to spend the rest of our lives together, and I was excited to take the first step by joining him at a small, private university in Southern Illinois. From the day of my arrival, I was with him 24/7. I missed all of the icebreaking activities for incoming freshman, because I was so eager to spend every waking moment with him, making up for the year-long absence. As a result, I missed the opportunity to meet anybody else. I didn’t even know the girls that lived on the same floor of my dorm.
I thought that everything was fine, but my clinginess was starting to really bother him. He didn’t say anything at first, but when he started making subtle hints about wanting to participate in other activities, I thought that he must be unhappy with me. I internalized his needs for space, blaming myself and wondering what I’d done wrong, instead of realizing that we just healthy needed time apart. Within one month, the relationship ended in a dramatic, drawn-out, heartbreaking way.
It wasn’t until months later when I realized what had gone wrong. By the time I made new friends and developed a normal social life, it was too late, and I lost my high school sweetheart and the love of my life forever.
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In the years following that break-up, I’ve also found myself on the opposite side of a clingy relationship. It’s unpleasant and uncomfortable when you’re in need of alone time and you begin to feel indebted by a person’s desire to constantly be in your presence. I’ve known fantastic men, who went and above and beyond to make sure that my needs were met and that I was happy, but the relationship did not last because at that time in my life I needed the ability to spend time alone. Whether I wanted to sit quietly and drink warm tea while reading a good book, go to the gym, or just take a walk by myself, I wanted to be alone with my thoughts to evaluate my life, dream about the future, set goals or just relax.
What I’ve learned, is that all relationships must have a healthy balance of time together, and time apart. It is unhealthy and unrealistic to expect someone to spend all of their free time with you, no matter how much you may want to see them. In relationships, both parties should maintain a social life outside of their relationship that allows for plenty of interaction with friends and family. Isolation is a relationship killer! Both parties should also have hobbies and interests that allow for quality alone time.
You must establish the ideal amount of space and time spent apart early in a relationship to avoid situations like this, where the other person wants to grow closer and you feel like you’re really growing apart. If you create boundaries from the start, there is less chance that miscommunications and misunderstandings will arise out of the seemingly sudden need for space.
Referring back to my break-up; the start of that relationship involved all the space in the world, 18 whole hours of space by train. The only time I could even speak to my boyfriend was in the evening, when he was finished with classes and I was finished with school and soccer practice. Even though we racked up over $1,400 in cell phone bills (sorry Mom), our relief when we were finally together still should have been accompanied by conversations about the need to maintain our separate lives while we built a solid foundation together. When he was feeling claustrophobic, he didn’t express his needs to me, so the sudden shock of hearing that he wanted to be alone resulted in insecurity and fear when it should have been met with understanding, compromise, and agreement.
For that reason, always be sure to communicate your needs with your partner. In doing so, you must also remember that everyone has a different love language, and for some, closeness represents love.
Most people model their ideal relationship from what they’ve learned from observation, starting in the home. If a person’s parents are very close and spent a great deal of time together, they will probably grow up with the desire to emulate that relationship, seeking someone who they feel at home with, and wanting to recreate the closeness they felt in childhood. Alternately, when a person’s parents are separated or there are problems in the home that create separation between the two, a person may either grow up needing even more space, or they may crave closeness because they feel that something is lacking. Movies and media give an unrealistic portrayal of relationships, there usually isn’t much screen-time to portray the need for alone time, so what’s shown is melodramatic closeness, which many people also try to imitate in their real-life relationships. These difference make communication essential when ensuring that no feelings are hurt and needs are clearly expressed.
I suggest that you communicate with your partner by writing a letter that explains your needs. Take your time while writing, and really think about the message you’d like to get across. Be specific about the amount of time you’d like to spend alone, even if it’s most of your free time. Ultimately, this letter will help your partner to understand that they haven’t done anything wrong.
Writing a letter can be the best way to communicate through difficult situations in your relationships. Communication is essential to a healthy relationship, but it can also be very tricky. People have a tendency to interrupt, or listen simply to respond instead of truly hearing each other’s words. This letter will give a clear and concise explanation for why you need space, even if it’s written as an ultimatum. If your partner is unwilling to meet your needs and respect your desire for time alone, they can make the decision to walk away.
If they choose to stay, you must remember to be patient. This will likely be a learning experience for both of you. It might take time for them to modify their behaviors to match the new boundaries in your relationship, so you should prepare yourself for the emotional adjustments that may occur while they work to make the necessary changes.
However, if you have already tried to express yourself to your partner numerous times and you really feel that after communicating the problem you’d still prefer to be single, that’s a choice that you have every right to make.
Please make your decision with the knowledge that at some point down the road you may want someone who gives you the same amount of attention you’re getting now, and that it may be more difficult to find someone who wants the same things. When you’re ready to enter the dating scene again, remember to compromise and establish boundaries from the beginning, and as always, live with no regrets!
XO
