"My Whole Marriage Was A Lie"

Dear Ruby, 

After  8 years of marriage, my ex finally told me that he was only faithful to me for 2 years. He said that it was all my fault, and that I wasn't good enough for him. He also told me that he never loved me, and that he'd only married me because I got pregnant after a year of being together. My whole marriage was a lie and my heart is broken all over again. How am I supposed to move on from this? 

Signed, 

Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous, 

My heart hurts for you! I know how it feels to find out that someone you shared a life with was not genuine or faithful for the duration of the relationship. While you were putting effort into maintaining your marriage, your ex was not deserving of that effort, and his actions were not reciprocal. 

As much as it hurts, you have to make the conscious decision not to give him the power to make you feel unworthy, unloved, or unwanted. This is especially important since your marriage has already ended; it would be awful to let his disrespectful words and hurtful revelations once again expose you to a tremendous amount of pain. 

There is nothing that you can do to change the past. You can, however, learn from it.

6 years ago, when your ex's indiscretions began, it was only shortly after the birth of your child. The first 2-3 years of parenthood are always incredibly stressful for new parents, and it sounds like that may have contributed to his unhappiness. In order to truly heal, you have to understand that this was not your fault! 

The admission that he married you because you got pregnant confirms that he was not ready for marriage. He was attempting to do what he felt was the right and responsible thing. However, he may not have been in the right place mentally or emotionally to sustain those responsible actions, no matter how good his intentions originally were. Again, this is not your fault. 

It is likely that he did have strong feelings for you at some point in time. "I never loved you," is one of the worst things a person can say to try to hurt us. Don't let him control your emotions with words that are no longer relevant. Remember that love is not a feeling, it is a commitment. Find solace in the fact that true love is not misleading or manipulative as you move forward. 

How do you move on from this? First, by accepting that whether or not your marriage was a lie, it is now over. Next, by loving and valuing yourself enough to know that no matter what he says, you are enough! There may have been things that you could have done differently, but do not beat yourself up about things in the past that you cannot change. Instead,  know that you are a work in progress.

This is a vulnerable time for you. Take time for some self-reflection, and if you find that there are areas in your life that you would like to improve, make the necessary changes for you...not for anybody else and not as a result of how an unfaithful and spiteful ex is trying to make you feel.

Be strong, look to the future, and don't be held prisoner by the past.

XO