"Our Date Was Cut Short"

Dear Ruby:

 
I went to a co-worker/friends birthday party, and one of her male friends asked me for my phone number, I was attracted to him, and he seemed to have a great personality. I only work with this co-worker ever other Wednesday, so when I saw her again, I told her that I'd exchanged numbers with him. She didn't seem to have a problem with it. I told her we made plans to go out that Saturday.

While I was on the date with her male friend that I'd met at the party, she called him and told him that she was stranded and needed him to pick her up. When he explained the situation, I said okay, let's get her! He responded that she didn't want me to see her like that, so I couldn't go. Our date was cut short. I was very disappointed, and now I'm not sure what to think or how to handle things with him in the future

Signed,

A Confused Co-Worker

---

Dear Confused Co-Worker, 

Imagine yourself in a crisis situation. Would you want someone that you didn't know very well to be present while trying to handle it? I wouldn't! 

There have been plenty of times when I have called friends or family members to ask for their assistance, and I would have been very uncomfortable and even offended if they had brought someone with them. I’m assuming that you don’t know the circumstances of your coworker’s emergency; hopefully your date/her friend would not share those details with you out of respect for his friendship with her. It is very possible that she did not have anybody else to call and needed his assistance without wanting anybody else’s presence or involvement.

This scenario shows you that your date is very compassionate and looks out for the people that he cares about. He displayed great qualities by being there for someone in need, and he deserves a lot of credit for that! Even though you are disappointed by your date being cut short, you must recognize that he did the right thing, and not hold it against him despite the inconvenience that it caused you. He asked for your number and asked you to go out with him, so he was probably very disappointed to not be able to finish the date too! If you consider this coworker to be a friend, your disappointment should be overshadowed by the relief that she is ok, and that even though she didn’t feel comfortable with you being there, her friend made sure that she was ok.

Please understand that their friendship existed before you were in the picture; you have to respect that unless you want to create a big problem for yourself. If you and this man were in a relationship or had been dating seriously for some time, it might have been inappropriate for him to leave you hanging like that to run to his friend’s aid, but it would be very premature for you to have a problem with it right now.

I understand why this is a dilemma for you, I would be uneasy about the situation too, but you have to use your best judgment here and not jump the gun or let an emotional response such as disappointment outweigh your logical reasoning.

If you haven’t already, I think you should definitely reschedule your date for another time. Make sure that you let him know that it was very admirable for him to help his friend/your coworker. If you haven’t spoken to him since Saturday, you should ask if everything was ok to show that you were concerned for your coworker and to express understanding for his having to leave.

In keeping it real, I will discuss the second thought that came to my mind as I read about your dilemma:

I do not know the history of your relationship with your coworker, but I’m interested in knowing about her reaction when you told her that you exchanged numbers with her friend. Was this friend someone that she had spoken to you about previously, or did you just meet him at the party without previously knowing any more about him? Does your coworker have a boyfriend or significant other to your knowledge? I am interested in knowing this background information because it is possible that your coworker was not happy about you developing a relationship with her friend. You said that she didn’t seem to have a problem with it, but you can learn a lot about a person by their body language; sometimes we miss small cues that signal a problem because we are not paying attention to what a person doesn’t say.

There are some people who say that men and women can be platonic friends; I, however, am not one of those people. I believe that there is always an attraction. While the attraction may be completely one-sided and never communicated, it almost always exists. There are some exceptions to this rule of course, but generally I think that one party will always develop an attraction to the other. I have had plenty of men who I have been friends with that I felt no attraction towards, yet I was aware of their attraction toward me. They may or may not have expressed how they felt, but the attraction was like an elephant in the room; despite my efforts to ignore it, it lingered between us until something happened that caused our friendship to grow more distant. Usually one party gets tired of waiting in the friendzone, or a relationship will develop between the other party and someone else.

I said all of that to address the possibility that your coworker is attracted to her male friend. Something tells me that this may be part of your concern and the reason why you see this as a dilemma. You let her know that you exchanged numbers and that you were going out on a specific date, and then she called and interrupted the date by asking him to pick her up. She may not have intentionally sought his assistance while you were together, as I said previously maybe she had nobody else to call, or she forgot that your date was on Saturday.

It could be purely coincidental that she called with an emergency that ultimately led to the date being cut short. However, there could be an underlying issue. Our first inclination is usually to confront the problem, but in this case that would be a bad idea. You have to remember that this man is her friend, and you do not want to be perceived as being jealous or trying to hinder their friendship.

Ultimately, he asked for your number and asked to take you out on a date. If he were interested in your coworker, he wouldn’t have asked you out! If she has a problem with you dating her friend, she may or may not express it, and if she does you will just have to deal with it from that point.

Do not let this small hiccup become a bigger problem! Don’t let your disappointment in one situation have any power or impact the way that you deal with the man! I would advise you to remain mindful of your coworker’s behavior, and definitely make sure not to discuss anything in great detail with her regarding your involvement with her friend.

Besides that, give the man his props because he definitely deserves them! Compassion is one of the best character traits and acts of kindness deserve to be recognized. Plan another date and have a great time!

XO