My question is very simple: How do I repair trust that has been broken?
My girlfriend found out that I cheated on her, but I love her and told her that I made a huge mistake. She says that she still can't trust me. She is constantly worried that I am doing something wrong, but it has been 4 months since it happened and I just want her to see that I'm not going to mess up again. We're always arguing even though she says that she forgives me.
How can I make her trust me again?
My girlfriend found out that I cheated on her, but I love her and told her that I made a huge mistake. She says that she still can't trust me. She is constantly worried that I am doing something wrong, but it has been 4 months since it happened and I just want her to see that I'm not going to mess up again. We're always arguing even though she says that she forgives me.
How can I make her trust me again?
Signed,
Unfaithful In Love
If I had a dollar for every time I was asked this question...I'd be responding from a million dollar yacht in the Caribbean.
Before we discuss repairing trust, there are two things that I would like to clarify:
1. You said that you love your girlfriend, but do you really?
I encourage you to spend some time thinking about the true meaning of those words. Your actions do not seem to indicate that you love your girlfriend. Often, we confuse "love" with things like lust, strong admiration or affection, and infatuation. You may care very deeply for her, but to love her means that you are committed to protecting her feelings. Love is far more than a word or a feeling, it is a promise. Understanding love may help you in your attempts to fix your relationship. My definition of love is [here].
2. Cheating is not a mistake.
Cheating is a choice. There are a number of steps involved when you engage in sexual and emotional indiscretions. People do not go from an introduction to an emotional or physical affair instantly. There is always a trail of events leading to the moment they decide that engaging in the affair is more important than the sacred exclusivity of their relationship. There is a threshold that is crossed; a point of no return.
The claim that cheating was a mistake is like saying that you were totally unconscious or oblivious to the inappropriate nature of your behavior leading to the affair. Often there are multiple opportunities to recognize that you've gone too far. When you love someone, you bear the responsibility of setting boundaries and not letting yourself cross that threshold, because you know that it would break your partner's heart.
You made series of poor decision, but they were decisions nonetheless.
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When trust has been broken as a result of cheating or lying, it is important to remember that one party is emotionally scarred. A scar develops over time, reminding us of the past wound and forever changing the appearance of our delicate skin. Generally the person who has been betrayed asks how they can overcome the betrayal and learn to trust again. Since you were the offender, please understand that regardless of how much time has passed or the number of times you have apologized, your girlfriend is still very hurt by your behavior.
Trust is one of the most important parts of a relationship. Without it, the relationship cannot exist. Think of trust as air; it sustains the life of the relationship and once removed, you suffocate.
Depending on the severity of the offense, trust may be irretrievably broken, meaning that it will never be able to be repaired. There are different degrees of dishonesty. Getting caught in a lie will not have the same devastating impact as cheating. Unfortunately, your actions are classified as the worst kind of betrayal.
Trust represents SECURITY, RELIABILITY, CONSISTENCY, SAFETY, INTEGRITY and FAIRNESS.Think about a team; the players on that team must work together to win, and in order to work together immaculately, their team must embody trust and respect. Your unsportsmanlike conduct has created a scenario in which you have shown the other player on your team that you aren't in it to win. You didn't play fair, and now you're hoping for a second chance even though your actions could have cost you the game.
If your partner can't trust you, how can she feel secure with sharing her life with you? Nobody wants to be in a relationship that makes them feel as though they have to constantly look over their shoulder. Nobody should have to spend their time worrying about whether their feelings are valued or if their partner is going to hurt them.
My suggestion to anyone who feels undervalued by someone who does not care about their emotional well-being, as represented by multiple instances of infidelity or disrespect, is to leave the relationship.
Since your girlfriend has decided to try to forgive and move past this, repairing trust is going to take a lot of work between the two of you, with you putting forth a great deal of EFFORT for an indefinite amount of TIME.
Your girlfriend's choice to remain in this relationship does not exclude the need for healing. Be mindful that there is no time frame by which you can expect her to be done with the healing process. Four months may seem like a long time to you, but the shock, disappointment, and pain still feels brand new to her. When you are responsible for breaking someone's trust, you cannot rush them to forgive, get over, accept, or move past their pain.
Trust is extremely delicate. Once broken, it is very difficult, if not impossible, to repair. You want to move forward and forget that this ever happened. It is very likely that your girlfriend feels the same way, but she is reminded of you cheating because of the subconscious wall she has built around her heart to prevent being hurt again. This wall does not enable you to enjoy a fulfilling, carefree relationship, but it will exist for as long as it takes to truly heal.
We assign roles to the people in our lives. We categorize where people stand and their importance to us. When someone breaks our trust, we immediately compartmentalize them in the area of our brain that houses memories of pain, heartache, and uncertainty. Reversing this mental processing is very difficult.
When we first meet and get to know someone, we naturally have some degree of trust invested in them. We have no reason not to trust them if they have been straightforward and forthright. If they didn't seem to be trustworthy, we would likely discontinue communication prior to entering into a relationship. If they have proven to be GENUINE, they are just as deserving of our blind trust as we are deserving of theirs. You may be familiar with the phrase, "Trust has to be gained;" early in a relationship, this means that we have a foundation of trust and build upon it by continuing to show those behaviors that support an environment of trust.
When someone breaks our trust, repairing it is not as easy as saying "I'm sorry." Repairing trust requires a great deal of work!
In order to fix your relationship, you will literally have to guide your girlfriend out of feelings of sadness, anger, helplessness, foolishness, desertion, and all of the other feelings she has built up as a result of being betrayed. This requires that you put in a lot of effort.
You can begin to rebuild trust by practicing CONSISTENCY. Show your girlfriend that you are really dedicated to making the relationship work. Let her know that you are dedicated to showing her that she can depend on you to provide emotional security again. Consistency is hugely important. One small action will make her feel that you are not reliable, and will take you all the way back to square one. Her pain will remain in the back of her mind for a long time; even if she forgives and decides to move past it, it does not go away and you should not expect it to.
Make HONESTY your only policy. Even if you think that the truth may hurt, you must be honest. It is only fair to tell the truth and allow your partner to decide whether to move forward in the relationship or end it altogether. If you lie to her, you are robbing her of that choice, which will only add salt to the wound. You have to be honest, no matter what. There is no such thing as a "white lie" when trying to repair trust.
Repairing trust is a matter of implementing these two things over and over and over and over and over again.
You and your girlfriend have to figure out how to reach common ground.
If you cheated because you felt that you were lacking something, you have to discuss the problem and work through it instead of just covering it up in your attempt to please her. Relationships are about COMPROMISE, so if you are not getting what you think you need, you have to lay it all out on the table and get to the root of the problem together. If not, it will resurface and you will have absolutely no excuse; you won't be able to come back later and blame your behavior on something that was a problem early on.
The reason why it is so important to honestly discuss underlying problems is because if you're not all the way certain that you want to be in the relationship, you're going get frustrated to give up. I cannot emphasize enough that you're going to have to put forth a huge amount of effort.
You have to determine whether the relationship is something you really want. Is it worth the work? Is it worth the frustration? Is it worth being questioned day in and day out?
You're going to be questioned. Are you telling the truth? Are you somewhere you aren't supposed to be? Are you reverting back to old behaviors? Do you still care? Are you still committed?
She is human. She is scarred from the trauma of heartache, and scared that it will happen again.
FORGIVENESS is such an important part of moving past infidelity in a relationship. She has to forgive you and be willing to open her heart to you again. Forgiveness does not indicate an ABILITY to trust; she may not be emotionally or immediately able to open her heart to you, but she has to be WILLING in order for it to work. If she decides that she leave her heart closed without giving you a chance, it won't work.
You have to forgive yourself. If you are holding onto regret and self-loathing, you won't be able to focus on what she needs. People make bad choices all the time, it doesn't necessarily make you a bad person, but you have to be willing to learn from it. Don't waste your time being defensive and arguing with her, it's counterproductive.
I would suggest that you go to counseling or try guided relationship coaching sessions. These are resources that you can attend both individually and together. Each will provide trust-building exercises and give you the tools to overcome present and future obstacles. Couples retreats and activities will rebuild the trust and reignite the passion between the two of you.
If a vase is broken, it can be glued back together. If a vase is shattered sweep it up, throw it away, and enjoy the memory of how beautiful it once was. When you buy another vase, you will learn what happens when you are not careful, and you will be much less likely to drop it.
If you realize that your girlfriend just cannot trust you after a lot of time and your best effort to repair it, you are going to have to make a decision about how long you will try to keep repairing what has been shattered.
I wish you the best.
XO
