Dear Ruby,
My husband is abusive, controlling, and I am making plans to leave him. He has taken all of my money and hides my keys from me to make sure that I cannot do anything on my own. If I could move out and divorce him immediately, I would. I currently have a part-time job, and I just scheduled an interview for a full-time position tomorrow. I cannot wait to leave so that I don't have to deal with the anger and constant belittling words anymore.
Yesterday, I asked my parents if my me and my boys can stay with them until I can get back on my feet. They said no. I'm so upset. They can't help their own daughter and grandchildren with shelter for a short time? I don't get it, I feel as though they are abandoning me when I need them the most. I don't ever ask for anything. I don't know what to do right now, I do not want to stay in this unhealthy situation with my kids, but I feel stuck with no options.
Signed,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
The very first thing that you need to do is calm down. You are in the midst of a very stressful situation, and your natural response is to panic. You have to maintain control of your emotions so that you can think clearly, and take steps to ensure that you and your children are safe and happy.
Make no mistake about it, emotional and financial abuse are just as serious as physical abuse. Without knowing if your husband has physically assaulted you, the mention of controlling behavior is a red flag and I am glad that you recognize these unhealthy behaviors as reasons to leave.
Your decision to leave is the most important decision that you can make for yourself, and for your children. Far too often, women remain in unhealthy and abusive environments because they think that things will change. Abuse does not just disappear overnight; abusive behaviors are learned and implemented over time. In order for the abuser to stop this behavior, they need to understand that it is wrong, and seek professional help, which is a long-term process that requires accountability and the desire to change. They may never stop.
You are doing the right thing, and you should continue to tell yourself that as you move forward.
One of the most challenging parts of leaving an abusive situation, is thinking about the time between when you leave and when you are able to secure housing/work/etc. The fear of the unknown can be paralyzing, and unfortunately it results in many women not leaving before it is too late. It is unsafe to stay in your environment while trying to save enough money to get your own home. It is also harmful to your emotional health to continue to expose yourself to a controlling man who has removed resources in order to trap you and cause you to feel helpless. As a mother, you understandably want to provide as much stability for your children as you can during this time of transition.
I commend you for trying to stay with your parents, and I am sorry that they have decided not to let you stay with them. However, as unfair as it may seem, it might be a blessing in disguise. Try not to let your disappointment about their refusal create more stress, because with or without the support of your family, you can do this!
There is a wonderful network of women's crisis centers that help women just like you. The hardest part is making the first phone call. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a crisis hotline available to answer your call 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233. Their website, http://www.thehotline.org/help/, provides resources and features an online chat service that lets you send messages to a representative for help. The hotline will help you to find agencies in your area and give you important information to keep you safe. You can also search online for women's crisis centers or domestic violence crisis centers in your area. Often, women are scared to reach out to women's crisis centers because they do not know what to expect. Make no mistake, the person who answers your call has been specifically trained to help you, and they will not judge you. All you have to say is, "I need help."
The first thing you will do when you speak to a representative is develop a safety plan. The representative will determine whether it is safe for you to speak openly at the time, and if it is safe for them to call you back at the number you are calling from.
Most crisis centers can provide transportation to help you and your children safely exit your home. If you need transportation, you can arrange pick-up for a time when you know that your husband will not be home, or if you are in the midst of a crisis, you can be picked-up from a safe place.
If you are able to plan your exit in advance, you can prepare by gathering important documents and items that you need such as: your driver's license, and birth certificates and social security cards for you and your children. You can also include recent bills and other documentation regarding your expenses. Store these documents in a discreet place where they can be easily accessed. On your exit day bring these documents, and if you have the time, pack a suitcase with a few outfits and any prescription medications you may need. You may have the time to pack more of your belongings, but be prepared to leave everything behind if necessary. The crisis center can help you with clothing, diapers, and toiletries.
The crisis center will be able to help you with legal services like divorce and custody. If your husband destroys or removes your belongings from your home, he will be legally accountable, so do not worry about leaving your possessions temporarily. If there is anything in your home that has special sentimental value, you may want to bring it to your parents' house for safekeeping in advance, but please do not do anything that is a noticeable change in behavior since your husband is watchful of your actions.
The next part is not easy. It is one of the biggest hurdles for women who have never had to utilize shelter services. The crisis center can arrange for you and your children to stay at a safe location temporarily.
Nobody wants to have to go to a shelter, much less take their children. However, do not let the stigma stop you. The shelter services that I have seen have all been clean and comfortable. You will likely share a small room with your children. If the shelter is crowded, or requires that you share rooms with strangers, try not to let it worry you. The women and children that you will encounter in a shelter are experiencing the same fears as you are, and they are seeking safety, just like you. There will be books and toys for your children, and most importantly, you will be together in a protected environment.
A lot of women are able to skip shelter housing with the help of friends and family, but when this is not possible, it may work out to your benefit. Many shelters receive grant funding that can help you to get back on your feet. For example, if an agency provides transitional housing services, they may be able to help you find housing and cover the costs of your expenses for a short period of time while you work and get settled. Crisis centers operate in partnership with local human service agencies, which can help you find housing and employment, and provide resources for food and insurance.
If you are living off-site, these services may not be available to you. Your presence in a shelter facility shows that you need help, and the agency will do everything in its power to make you comfortable, keep you safe, and get you back on your feet. Most agencies also provide free counseling services for you and your children, which are important for all victims of domestic violence.
Additionally, if you are utilizing child care services, it is important that you speak with your child care provider to understand your rights and learn how they will address the safety of your children. If your husband is listed on the child's birth certificate, the facility cannot legally deny access to the children. You may be able to put an alert on your children's file so that you are contacted if someone tries to take the children out of the facility, but in all cases it is best to attempt to get an emergency custody order. Speak with the crisis center about this and until you have a plan you may want to keep the children out of their normal facility. Without documentation granting custody to one parent, both parents have equal access to children. Your husband may use the children to try to get you to come back, or keep them away from you as a form of emotional abuse.
It is important that you follow the safety plan that you create with the agency representative. They are trained to keep you out of harm's way, so please follow their instructions. Also, remember that the first 24 hours after leaving an abusive situation are the most dangerous; your absence will likely infuriate your abusive husband. While reconciliation might be possible down the line, right now your safety and the safety of your children is of the utmost importance, and it is important not to communicate with him or let him know where you are. Work with the representatives of the agency if you have any questions or concerns.
You can do this! You are courageous, and you are a good mother. You want to get your children out of an unhealthy environment, and that is incredibly admirable. Situations like this are very hard, but they are also defining moments in your life that will show you how strong you truly are. When you make that first phone call, you are making steps toward a brighter and happier future.
Right now you may feel like your parents have abandoned you, and while their decision may ultimately mean that you have to step out on faith and go through this process, try to see the silver lining. This process will teach you a lot about yourself and your abilities. You will develop confidence that has been stolen from you by your abusive husband when you see that you are capable of saving yourself! Keep your heart open to your parents, and do not let your current anger or frustration weigh you down. Their reasons may be impossible to understand right now, but you have bigger fish to fry and you can do it without their help if necessary.
Good luck and may God bless you and your babies.
XO
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