"Alone Does Not Mean Lonely"

Dear Ruby, 

I just cannot get past this feeling of loneliness. Since my ex and I broke up, I bury myself in my work so I don't have to think. Then I go home and text with my friend for a bit...then to bed. This is my life, 24/7. I hate feeling lonely but I just can't seem to shake it. What should I do? 

Thanks, 

Sad & Lonely 

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Dear Sad & Lonely,

Yours is a question that I am often asked. For many people, one of the scariest parts of ending a relationship is the fear of impending loneliness. During a relationship, we become accustomed to our partners' presence, shaping our lives around them with the assumption that they will always be there. When we come to the realization that their presence is not permanent, we get caught up in the fear that there will be a gaping hole left by their absence and we will somehow be engulfed by the void that remains. What will we do with our time? What happens when we come home, and nobody is there to greet us? How will ever feel whole again?

You should remember 2 things:

1. Alone does not have to mean lonely.
2. Happiness is a choice.

Fear of loneliness can paralyze unhappy partners. The absence of familiarity can be so frightening that it stops some people from leaving toxic relationships. Interestingly, there are some who would prefer the presence of an angry, argumentative partner than to walk away and risk being lonely. All of the reasons for ending the relationship, or coming to terms with the reasons for its dissolution, are quickly erased by the illusion of a gaping, inescapable emptiness that will be left behind.

When we think about loneliness, we imagine feelings of despair and longing. Loneliness equates to misery and discomfort, so despite the fact that it's totally avoidable, our first inclination is to avoid it by any means.

In fact, we are often so terrified of being lonely, that we completely overlook the benefits of being alone! The first thing you should do is understand that "alone" is not synonymous with lonely.

Being alone has invaluable benefits. It enables you to take time to heal from the broken relationship as you think about what went wrong, and determine what you really want from a relationship in the future. It also allows you to rediscover who you are since we often change during the course of a relationship. As we focus our time and energy on pleasing someone else, we tend to neglect our own needs and desires. Intentionally enjoying the time spent alone can be therapeutic.

In your case, you are filling your alone time with work. This is a temporary fix; if you continue to overcompensate with work, you will likely get burnt out. If you genuinely enjoy your work, then by all means dedicate more time to it in moderation, but please do not do so just because you are afraid of being lonely.

Here are a few ways that you can take advantage of your alone time, while avoiding the crushing feelings of loneliness:

Communicate with your friends 
Texting your friends after work is great because you are establishing a new routine that includes interactions with someone other than your ex-partner.

However, try not to become too reliant on these interactions. If you become dependent on interactions with other people in your down time, you might start to panic if they are not available to chat.

Find a creative hobbyA great way to unwind after work without breaking the bank is to indulge in creative expression. Visit your local Target, Wal-Mart, or Hobby Lobby and buy a small canvas, a few paintbrushes, and some acrylic paint. Try to create what you are feeling through an original piece of art! You may find that painting in a nearby park or another outdoor location awakens your creativity. Make yourself comfortable with soft music and glass of wine. 

Adult coloring books are another great option for creative expression.

Art is a proven therapeutic technique for reducing stress and anxiety, while increasing focus. Maybe what you are feeling is too difficult to put into words; by finding a creative hobby that you can enjoy after work, you will be avoiding feelings of loneliness while unwinding in a healthy and healing way. 

Start a jigsaw puzzleMuch like artistic hobbies, jigsaw puzzles can provide a wonderful distraction from negative feelings, while increasing focus and memory. In fact, regularly piecing together jigsaw puzzles can decrease high blood pressure and reduce your chances of developing Alzheimer's Disease by 30%. 

Paint an accent wall in your homeYour home is a safe haven and a place of refuge. You should be able to escape the pressures of the world by relaxing in the comfort that lies behind your four walls. If you are going through a stressful event, particularly a breakup, your home may feel like a stifling environment instead of a peaceful one. Make sure that you are surrounded by good vibes; rearrange your furniture or go pick out a paint color that represents freedom, joy, and peace to you, and paint an accent wall in your favorite room. 

Painting is a great bonding activity with friends. In order to clear the air in your home, think about inviting a few people over for a Painting Party! As you enjoy your "new" environment, you will think of the fun you had creating a comfortable atmosphere instead of associating your sanctuary with your ex. 

Get ActiveWhen you exercise, your body releases endorphins that trigger positive feelings in your brain. One of the best ways to avoid feeling lonely, is by engaging in regular physical activity.

Exercise in nature is incredibly beneficial. The fresh air and sunshine while you take a walk or ride a bicycle can significantly reduce depression and anxiety. If outdoor activity is inaccessible, you  can still take advantage of the mental health benefits of exercise by joining a gym. You can even exercise in the comfort of your own home. You may wish to purchase exercise videos, or stream free exercise tutorials on YouTube. A nightly routine of yoga or stretching before bed can improve your sleep and boost your overall mood!

Netflix & Chill: SoloMake use of this time to catch up on some of your favorite television shows or movies! Watching television can be a great way to relax at the end of a long day. A series like Gilmore Girls will provide lighthearted comedy and real-life scenarios that can help you to regain a sense of being in control of your life. 

ReadBooks offer another wonderful way to escape reality while strengthening your vocabulary and exercising your brain. You shouldn't watch television within an hour of going to sleep, so as you settle into bed with a warm cup of tea, pick up a book about love, life, fantasy, self-improvement, or self-empowerment. 

Get Out ThereOne of the most uncomfortable challenges for people to overcome, is spending time in public, alone. However, this is one of my favorite pastimes! 

I learned to overcome my fear of being lonely by forcing myself to go out in public alone. I'd go to the movies, bookstores, coffee shops, and theatrical performances all by myself. At first, it was a bit awkward, so I made sure to bring a book or journal. I stopped feeling subconscious very quickly, and instead of distracting myself with books or my cellphone, I just watched people around me. I watched a lot of couples, and instead of feeling sad, I felt empowered. Sometimes they seemed upset and I reassured myself that being alone wasn't so bad. I used to think that I was being judged, but I quickly realized that nobody was paying me that much attention and it was all in my head. Now, I have no problem walking up to the box office at a movie theater and loudly exclaiming, "Ticket for one, please!"

A friend of mine used to write quotes on sticky notes and place them around her house. The one that stuck with me the most was placed right above her television set; it read, "Be comfortable in the uncomfortable." If you can learn to be comfortable in uncomfortable situations, you can handle any of the unexpected changes that life throws your way.

The changes you are experiencing are unpleasant, but they do not define you. As your life continues to change, you will be happier, healthier, and more content if you learn to adapt instead of feeling overwhelmed and afraid.

Fear of being lonely can be downright dangerous; it can push you into the arms of someone who only serves the purpose of saving you from loneliness. When you learn to enjoy your alone time, you won't need anybody else to fill that emptiness. Being alone is better than being in the company of someone who doesn't value you or see your worth.

Being happy is a choice. You can choose to live in fear of being lonely, but if you succumb to that fear, you will just isolate yourself further and experience more grief and sadness than necessary. If you choose to be happy, you can embrace the idea of being alone without sentencing yourself to unpleasant loneliness.

Try all of the above suggestions, and if you're still stuck feeling lonely, let me know!

XO